This is me, feeling like a dumb little girl. I pushed away the man who I care most for. Why? I am not sure yet. Call it hormones, call it female insanity, or call it anything you want. Just be sure to watch out as I topple. I may shatter once I hit the ground. I put myself up too high on the pedestal, and the fall from here will be hard.
(My lament on my feelings for Robert)
I am lost, I am confused. I do not know where I am or where I am going. I am stuck in this crazy spiral, and can not even tell if I am moving up or down. Some days I can hardly eat and all I want to do is sleep, and then the next day I eat too much and lay in bed unable to sleep. It is like Samsara (That is the opposite of Nirvana, not the band either. Samsara is the spirals and chaos of unenlightenment).
I think I have what I want, but I can not be sure. For that matter; what is it that I want? I am too scared to hold on to the things I crave. So now I am left drowning. The life raft has to be out there; right? I can only tread water for so long. Are the things I refuse to hold onto my life rafts? Have I been lost to the sea?
Maybe I am just too proud to ask him for anything? I know I am too proud to lean on him when I need help, and too scared to let him see that. Most of all I am frightened to fall in love with him. As he accepts me for what I am, I accept him for who he is. That was one of the things that drew me to him in the first place. I would never want to change that, but it may be too late for anything now.
